The Writer Delusion
Sorry this is a day late. I'm trying to put the finishing touches on a novel.
“I don’t actually have a job at the moment, I’m writing a book.”
I’ve said this sentence too many times to count. Usually shortly after I’ve just met someone new (which strangely enough, happens a lot when you’ve just moved to new different country) Each time, writhing a little bit as I do so—partially, because I’m not very good at articulating what my book’s about without blocking out a good forty-five minute window, but mainly because I know what the follow up question is going to be.
“Oh, that’s cool. So, how does that work? Do you ahhh…have a deal with a publisher already? Or…”
I know this reads as a bit snarky. But it’s usually asked in good faith. To me, it shows a natural interest. It’s them running a personal inventory on what ducks would need to be in a row, before they’d be willing to tackle this endeavour in their own life. I’m certainly not having a go at people who ask this question. The reason it makes me squirm, is because of the line of logic it leads to.
If my answer was yes, suddenly I’d be the most interesting person in the room. “Wow, I don’t know any writers. When’s the book coming out? Can you send me a copy” etc etc.
I still get some version of this response when I tell them my actual answer, “no,” but quite often, their words are served with a side of something else. A little bit of pity, a slight shifting of posture as they try to pick up any of the usual signs that they’re talking to a delusional person.
Which is one hundred percent what I am.
Trying to become a writer is delusional. It’s a borderline narcissistic pursuit, with a low success rate. Who am I to assume I’ve got opinions worth reading? I know people a lot smarter than me, who wouldn’t be so arrogant. Yet here I am, turning up every day, logging in my word count like it means something.
The closest comparison I can draw, is the people I used to see turn up to my gym back in New Zealand. By the time I left, I was exclusively training at the Jiu Jitsu classes, but the gym is known for its high-profile MMA fighters. Naturally, this drew long queues of new members, many of whom were clearly there with the vision that they were about to become the next Israel Adesanya.
You could always see this type from a mile away. They usually had all the shiny, branded gear, and when asked to do the beginner drills, they’d have that priceless, “I’m better than this,” look in their eye.
Usually they weren’t “better than this” though. Usually, they’d spend a few months, keeping their eyes on the coaches, waiting for one of them to say the words “Wow, you’ve got it kid! Let’s talk about your future.” When this inevitably didn’t come, they’d go from training five days a week, to three, until you simply didn’t see them anymore.
So, I’ve handed out my own share of those, “are you delusional?” looks, myself. But the thing is…once upon a time, Israel Adesanya turned up at that very same gym with that exact same vision. When he did that, he was delusional. The head coach Eugene, is on the record saying he was embarrassed to corner Israel the first time he fought under the City Kickboxing banner. But that didn’t stop Israel from winning a UFC world title. The first in his country to do so. Raised in a white-collar family. Quitting his office job for a dream. Nothing about that was guaranteed.
And it’s not just the super athletes like him. In the five years I trained at that gym, I saw a certain number of these “delusionals,” work their way from spastic slap punches, all the way to the pro-ranks.
Skills are skills, and you can get better at them.
But first, you need some sort of vision. The delusion that’s going to drive you to turn up every day and do the work while no one’s watching. The delusion that’s going to allow you to smile in the face of every person pitying you, and keep going.
etc. etc.
Ok, that’s enough discount motivation for one day. If I keep going down this track I’m going to need to hire Mathew McConoughey to do a voiceover, include a few landscape shots of mountains and chopping cello’s in the background.
Here’s the point of this whole rant: To get me kickstarted on this path, I had to tap into a certain amount of imagination, regarding what my path ahead was going to look like. Now that I’m here, many aspects of the reality do not match up with that vision.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to focus on a different area of the writing life, comparing my expectation with the reality. I know not everyone wants to be a writer, but I know a lot of people have at least thought about it. Hopefully, there’s something interesting in these next few articles for both types.
