Till Death (a short story) Competition + feedback
Late last year I entered another writing competition. The NYC midnight flash fiction series.
I’ve done a few of these—made it to the finals of one.
This time around, the category was flash fiction. 250 word limit. And the genre was… ROMANCE…
Naturally, this was always going to be a bit of a hurdle for me. I’m not exactly known for pulling on the heart strings, and I’ve never been able to read past the first page of a romance novel without feeling sick or sleepy.
But equally, I’m not going to stand here and hold that up as a point of pride.
A weakness is a weakness, and while, capital R romance might have a reputation for being a bit trashy—If I’m not capable of stepping in and maintaining at least a decent rally with them, then who am I to look down on it?
While I maintain no ambitions to to go out and write a Pride and Prejudice, I can’t ignore the fact that love and romance are part of the human condition. To turn my back on that entire genre and make no attempt to integrate aspects of it into my skillset would be arrogant at best, stupid at worst.
So the submission below was my first (albeit slightly forced) attempt to work on this weakness.
Naturally, what I came up with was very much my version of “romance,” and probably didn’t look much like the classic version that comes to mind when you bring up the genre. But it was a start.
—
Now as always, the NYC Midnight competition requires its participants to work within certain parameters:
I had 48 hours to write it. I had to stay within the Romance genre. I had to include the word “Part” and integrate the act of “squinting",”
Here’s what I came up with:
Till Death
She’s flawless in that dress. I know that shouldn’t surprise me—women spend decades dreaming of this day. But it does.
Every seam: improbably perfect.
Her smile: improbably sincere.
It’s not like my smile—buried three pews from the back, as forced as a silver medalists’ “congratulations.”
I’m white knuckling my suit pants back here. Fighting against every instinct to breach the terms of my improbable invitation. “Object now, or forever hold your peace.” Praying in church. Meaning it for the first time in my life. Lord Please! Keep me from fulfilling every bride’s nightmare.
He’s not happy I’m here. I picked up that detail last night at the airport. All in the handshake.
I wasn’t privy to the negotiations behind my presence here today. Bet they were long though.
I guess he must genuinely love her.
If I squint, I can almost grasp her happiness today.
I can almost understand how a person could move on like this.
To have been through everything we shared, yet have such a different reaction to it. To exist in this new world and feel anything, let alone happiness.
I said almost.
I guess that’s the lack of empathy we’ve talked so much about.
She and I both launched the word sociopath across the phone at least once.
Sociopaths don’t feel loss like this though—they can’t know this type of sadness.
God, she does look stunning. The image of her Mum.
“Till death do us part.” But what happens after that?
That’s it. My first foray into a very foreign area for me. Yes, I copped out a little bit by killing off the subject of the romance—erring towards tragedy more than using passion as my emotional tie—but that’s still a version of love right?
The judges didn’t think so.
On this occasion I didn’t make it through to the next round (though I did get an honourable mention)
Here is their feedback:
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -
Judge One: I like the tension this point of view gives us, leaving suspense throughout the narrative that the protagonist might pop up and ruin everything. I ultimately want to resolve that tension, positively or negatively, by the end of that story.
My take:
I don’t think this judge got the point of my misdirect. You’re meant to think the bride is the narrator’s love interest right up until the final line where it’s revealed that it’s actually her mother-his wife- that he’s torn up about. I think if this judge got this—and it’s a failure on my part that they didn’t—they would have had their resolved tension.
Judge Two: The ending was quite the surprise! Quite a dive into a potentially different kind of romantic story. I like the structure of using the parts of a wedding ceremony to demarcate the protagonist's thoughts and feelings. It helps ground the reader in the story.
My take: I guess this judge did get the point. This shows the difference between types of readers. Some are surface level, some are closer readers. It’s a fine line catering to both.
Judge Three: The writer does a great job of taking us through the wedding, the narrator's psychology and the events that led up to the present moment.
My take: This comment is essentially a summary. I feel like they skim read it. One out of three, not the best hit rate, but I suppose this is encouraging when considering my failure to get through to the next round. This first and second judge were assessing a much shallower story than what I was reaching for. If I was willing to play the competition game a bit more, I’m confident I could have got this message across.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK:
Judge one: I feel like the term 'sociopath' injects more confusion into the story than it adds intrigue. It asks me to consider as a reader whether these characters are sociopaths--the answer for the narrator would seem to be no (self-absorbed and a narcissist, maybe, but I don't know if I'd say sociopath), and we don't have enough information about the bride to make that call with any confidence. If this is an incidental plot point, I would edit it, and if you're attempting to communicate that one or both of these characters are legitimate sociopaths, it's not quite coming through yet.
My Take: They’ve got a point here. I used that word to build up the double entendre. The surface story implies some unseen volatile element of our narrator’s personality. The deeper one speaks to the humanity of both these characters. He is heartbroken that anyone could go on and live life without his wife. She is heartbroken that he’s struggling to be happy for her on her wedding day.
Judge Two: I'd like to have a little more clarity on how everyone knows each other here and what their history is together. It's clear that a lot has happened -- and while we don't need to know everything, it would help to have a bit more context.
My Take: this is the tricky element of show don’t tell. How much do I feed my audience? How much credit do I give them in regard to being able to work it out themselves?
Judge Three: Some of the language could be refined and made more explicit, for example: "To exist in this new world and feel anything, let alone happiness. I said almost." Tell me more about the narrator's thoughts in more precise language.
My Take: This line rode on the sentence before it.
I can almost understand how a person could move on like this.
To have been through everything we shared, yet have such a different reaction to it. To exist in this new world and feel anything, let alone happiness.
I said almost.
It’s meaning is dependent on the structure and rhythm of that paragraph. But again, I’m asking for too close a reading, when these judges are likely sifting through hundreds of stories. I can’t really expect them to pick up this type of subtlety.
—
That’s the feedback.
There are some fair points among the above, I think they missed the mark at other stages.
But’s the reality of these competitions. I can’t go into these things expecting them to provide a razor close reading.
I could have also done more to honour the tropes of the genre, but then again, I enter these competitions to develop my own style not just to win. If compromise the shape of a story for the sake of judges, then I’m spiting my own ends.
I”ve got more thoughts on this, along with the topic of leaning into Romantic themes which I scratched the surface on in my opening paragraphs, but this article is already too long.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going to add a “development” tab to my main Substack page reserved for articles of this kind—focused on new directions I’m either noticing or attempting to cultivate in my style.
But that’s enough for today.